Clean up your acts.

Over the course of the past few days I've been alternately dismayed, sickened, concerned, shocked, and just generally impressed by the desultory activities of Superbeasts everywhere. If there’s any truth to any of the correspondence that has pinballed between and through various channels, we’re a pretty nasty bunch. Which is why, in the wake of that Superbug hysteria and as a prelude to the dreaded flu season, I offer this morsel of hygienic procedure. Keep those mitts clean and your germ phobias appropriately piqued, Superbeasts!

1) Turn on the water and get it to a temperature you like.

2) Lather up using soap. (Soap does not kill germs. A bar of soap is a great medium for growing germs. The surfactant action of soap helps the running water flush the germs away. That's how it works. It's purely mechanical. Antibacterial soap is a waste of time and money, and just helps breed antibiotic-resistant bugs.)

3) Rub your hands vigorously together, paying special attention to the fingernails, getting up onto the wrists, for as long as it takes you to sing one stanza of The Star Spangled Banner or two verses of Little Mattie Groves.

4) Rinse off the soap with the running water.

5) Dry your hands with a paper towel.

6) Use the expended paper towel to turn off the water.