Monday, July 7, 2008

Greetings from Beijing.

Way back in April, I moved to Beijing. I usually tell people that I moved here to advance my career by becoming an "international creative" I'd be more marketable. Mostly, I came here to get the fuck out of North Carolina and to learn about a different culture (meet Asian women). Most people reacted the same when they found out I moved to China, "Why?" or else they'd say "Oh cool. Ching chong ding dong." Fine, those people were from the South, but I got it quite often.

The truth is, China is pretty badass. It's old too. I'm talking older than Gene Wilder old. Like this place, The Forbidden City.

It was home to dynasties of people and it's massive. Until a few years ago, there was even a Starbucks in the center. When I found out it was gone, I left. As far as I know, the only forbidden thing happening there was some kid peeing on the wall.

I'll save you all from the rambles of "Oh Chinese culture kicks ass" and "It's the next frontier" or "...And this one temple...".

You want to hear stories about eating scorpions and seahorses, going to the Chinese Emergency Room and bribing bar owners to not arrest your friend after he tags the bathroom. But those will be in posts to come.

Here's a good one. This guy:

He's a real piece of work. He's easy to spot. He's young, wealthy and blasts 50 Cent out of his imported car. He always wants to out-drink whitey when he sees you in a bar. The upside is, it will start out friendly with the offering of free Johnny Walker, but then you'll quickly learn he hates you. Either because you're with a cute Asian girl or he feels you don't belong. In this case, both.

This guy started out fine, but ended up hiccuping and puking on his loafers. I'm pretty sure all his buddies left him passed out on the table too.

I'd like to say I learned not to get into "a whose dick-is-bigger competition" but it was all pretty funny to me.

Obviously, not all guys are like that. Take for instance Steven, he's a superbeast designer and closet pimp. I also have the feeling he could hit a curveball.

Zaijian si xianzai!


Casey Brewer said...

Ryan, we're celebrating 'Merica over here. Not Chinee.

chris liakos said...

Do chinese people really put pee pee in your coke?

I've always wondered that.

lee said...

Have you mastered squat-shitting into a hole? How's the fried-toasted sheep penis?

Anonymous said...

Are you gonna buy a ninja house there or what?

americanmidwestsamurai said...

I know Steven is a pimp because of his water bottle.

R. Falch said...

Yes, I have found traces of pee pee in my Coke.

I haven't shit in a hole since camping in Montana.

The sheep penis isn't as good as the yak penis.

There are no ninja houses in China. Only Shaolin Monk Houses.

The only thing 8Ball & MJG told Steven was to pimp hard.

lee said...

Have you seen the squat-shit holes? Or are you waiting until you get back to the states to poop?

R. Falch said...

Yeah, man. I have definitely seen them. They are everywhere. It's always funny going into a public toilet to take a piss and there are four dudes smoking, shitting, sending text messages while squatting next to you.