Nerds.

I interrupt this regularly scheduled rant for another rant, only this one is super important.

Ok nerds, what the fuck is up with this zombie/pirate/ninja craze?

You people are really bumming me out.

Every weekend I come home from the bar and notice rotten corpse smegma smeared across the back of my jacket from the obligatory dork pub-crawl that seems to happen everywhere I fucking go. I get it, you need an excuse to drink beer because you're so sad and bloated from watching 18 hours of Mad Men in a row and stuffing your face with Pad Thai every waking moment of the day. Your idea of cutting loose is getting together with your other dork friends and living out some George Romero wet dream that you had when you passed out from the fumes from painting your tiny die-cast metal dragon figurines in junior high. Do you realize that you and the fat, Xanax crazed housewives are the only reason places like Michael's and Party City are still in business? Halloween only happens once a year for a reason, and it's for little kids who can't wipe their own asses.

Y'know what would be really cool? If you kept your lame-ass theme party designated to the confines of your studio apartments nestled on a quiet street, smack dab in the middle of Nerdtown. Not even the brown toothed, manic-depressive wretch who works bar in between choking down 3 packs of Vantage Lights wants her tips covered in blood colored corn syrup. Ask her.

And the next fucker that growls "Arrrrrgh matey!" in my ear while I'm sucking on a beer is going to get a gold doubloon shoved so far up his ass the parrot will need an enema.