Sunday, December 20, 2009


I'm not much of a holiday spirit kind of dude. In fact, It seems that this time of year just makes everything I like to do more difficult. For instance, yesterday I tried to go eat one of my favorite Banh Mi sandwiches in Seattle. Unbeknownst to me, Ballard has recently gone under a complete reconstruction to resemble Santa's fucking Christmas village. I was tripping over little baby jesus mangers and getting my hair stuck in mistletoe just trying to navigate one city block. Not cool.

There were real live reindeer there. Shitting all over the sidewalks.

You can't get a decent cup of coffee without some barista asking if you want a fucking candy cane stuck in it, or worse, pumps of nut meg flavoring. Rumor has it that the average Mom gains 13 pounds over the holidays simply by inhaling the shit they put on top of your coffee. Their ankles are essentially bags of whip cream and sprinkles by the end of the holiday season. Dudes, you are not immune to this fat-tastic trend either.

What is with the food this time of year? Why do restaurants and grocery stores assume I want to eat MORE turkey and mashed potatoes? Isn't Thanksgiving enough? My taste buds physically reject that shit once they've reached their quota. All I want is Italian, or Thai or something that doesn't have anything to do with gravy.

My work is having a holiday food drive for starving children. On the shelf, many charitable folks left top ramen, canned goods and assorted meal-in-a-box specialities. Then some asshole decided to leave hand sanitizer. You fucking twit. Kids can't eat hand sanitizer. You're so damn paranoid of swine flu and dirty homeless kids that you're going to try your damndest to clean them up. I hope Santa shits in your stocking.

Oh yeah, how many "ugly sweater" parties have you been to this year? If it's more than zero, you're a fucking nerd.


Casey Brewer said...

I'm taking a picture of the hand sanitizer to out that bastard.

M@x said...

You can use the sanitizer as a base for a nice gravy.

Madoo said...

Basically I just get drunk WITH some of my family and AROUND the rest. Then the non drunks can point and judge the drunks but us drunks don't care because we're drunk. And laughing. And why are we drunk? Could it be from all that Christmas Cheer we've been ducking and stepping over since two days before Halloween?