Friday, January 22, 2010

Tell me I'm pretty!!!!!!!

There are few things that piss me off like people who fish for compliments. And when I say “people,” I mean women, because unless you are a gay, Lady Gaga loving, shirtless, boy-whore, this is a characteristic strictly perpetrated by those of the feminine persuasion. See, this is why my relationships with women never last: I hate them. I’m enough of a basket-case-daddy-issue-ridden-fuck-up of my own without having to listen to some high pitched whimpers about banal insecurities. Don’t ask me to pretend to care that you think the bagger at QFC gave you the stink-eye or that you think I tipped our waitress at lunch so well because I “must be fucking her.” I will literally projectile vomit in your mouth to make you stop talking. But I digress.

The point is we all need to know when someone is trying to use crafty language in order to rip a compliment. This way they can receive an appropriate verbal smack down and learn to bury all their insecurities deep down where nobody can find them like the rest of functional society does. To do my part, I have again put together a small guide. Things girls say, what they really mean and how to respond.

1) Do these pants make me look fat?
Translation: “TELL ME I’M SKINNY!!!!!!!!!”

Note--> This one is generally reserved for girls who wear a size 0-4. If you can snuggle into Jim Belushi’s pants, generally you’re not so dumb as to ask that question. Now, remember, most of these nutters indulge in either anorexia or bulimia. Good job for trying to be proactive in your battle with the bulge, but don’t ask me to validate your lame-ass existence. These skinny bitches know they’re string beans, fuck that warped perception nonsense. You can sleep inside your underwear drawer? Boom. Skinny bitch.

Response: Now, while the obvious answer is to simply say, “No, your ass makes you look fat,” take it a step further. Why not call out something they may not have even been worrying about? “I think it’s great that you aren’t insecure about that forehead of yours. You kind of have this whole Corky from ‘Life Goes On’ thing going, but you really own it.” Backhanded compliments: always a winner.

2) I think I’m destined to be alone for the rest of my life.

Translation: “My loser of a boyfriend just dumped me and I need you to tell me it isn’t my fault, I am more lovable than a puppy and that there are at least four Facebook groups dedicated solely to obsessing over how amazing I am.”

Note--> You are their friend, so obviously you find something amiable in them. Whether it’s their shining personality or their brand new Porsche Panamera, you have decided to associate with them.

Response: Call your local mental hospital and tell them your friend is suicidal and showing symptoms of severe psychosis. This kills two birds with one stone: when they get manhandled into that crisp, white straight jacket and whisked away to their two week vacation, not only do you prove you care for their well-being, you let them know their pity party should be kept to the confines of their Strawberry Shortcake diary.

3) Every time I meet a nice guy, he suddenly just wants to fuck then becomes distant and emotionally unavailable.

Translation: “I’m somebody’s personal jizz sock right now and I need validation that I’m not as much of a slut as I’m pretty sure I’ve been acting.”

Note--> Now, there are many levels to what this ho of a friend of yours is doing. More often than not, she’s someone’s fuck buddy but has diluted herself into thinking it’s a real relationship.

Response: Give her the number to a local Escort service. If she wants to slut-out, she may as well go all out and get paid for her work and future abortions. I know someone already in the biz, so I’m pretty sure I can get them an in.


ngoodey said...

That's funny.... but you are of course a woman..therefore wrong. It is vitally, vitally important that men continue to humor woman's essential delusions. Women are more intelligent than men, as everyone knows and the only way we can keep these yapping she-dogs 'under the thumb' is to lie to them when they say stupid shit. After all , if history teaches us one thing, apart from don't invade Russia in the winter, is it's so much easier to suppress the utterly delusional. Consequently, I will keep on lying every time a compliment is fished for. The consequences of doing anything else are to dire to contemplate

Casey Brewer said...

I like where this is going...

Anna the Cain said...

Go ahead and lie to them, sandy balls.

I think your concerns will be addressed in my next post: "Stupid shit your girlfriend says."