Casino = Hell.

Good buddy Max and I ventured into Fife, Washington to get a glimpse of country superstar Merle Haggard perform. I have this sixth sense for catching legendary artists before they find the everlasting sleep. Johnny Cash and Jerry Garcia are a couple that come to mind that I saw perform before they bit the eternal dust.

Merle was performing at the Emerald Queen Hotel and Casino, about an hour south of Seattle on highway 5. I've never visited a casino before in my life. Gambling is one of those completely foreign vices that I have absolutely no interest in picking up.

It was sure to be an interesting night when we stopped for gas and were met by a huge obese man towing a monster truck. The truck was accompanied by a bumper sticker that read "Wish my gal was this dirty." I bought some gum in the station. He bought eight tins of Grizzly chew for which he exclaimed "goddamn, Grizzly is $3.82 a tin? Fuuuuuuuuuuuck."

To get to to the actual music venue, you had to walk through about 3 city blocks of slot machines, blue hairs, compulsive gamblers, and chain smoking lot lizards. It was fucking disgusting. The gumbo of red neck bravado, belt buckles, and butt crack was enough to make me appreciate my slightly urbane lifestyle. It was obvious that it was friday night, and a lot of desperate people had paychecks to throw away. I did admire the collection of bedazzled denim, and leather fringe freedom gear that seemed to be everywhere. There were more soaring eagles in this joint than there were flying the skies.

The actual venue was nothing more than a gussied up pole barn, complete with folding chairs. For some reason, the image on the website seemed much more luxurious. I sat next to woman who had to be 95 years old. The scent of death was slightly obscured by the all-encompassing aroma of Old Spice, cig smoke, and poor life choices.

For 73 years old, Merle looked pretty spry. He had no problem running through a list of his hits, while testing out some of his new material. He was more active on stage than the vast majority of his audience. It was a great show despite the realization that I would have to walk back through the slots to leave the building.