Products and Services Vol.: 4 - Eddie Bauer Entices the "Woodsman Pervert" with New and Improved Models

Every superbeast, be they she-beast or he-beast, needs to drain the old plumbing once in a while. And now, thanks to the folks over at Eddie Bauer.com, you can fantasize your stress away while perusing the latest in flannel long johns and knit bras. Whether it be the slow economy, or a nation’s general disinterest in the trappings of nature, somebody in the Eddie Bauer creative department brought back a little extra wood when they were out foraging for kindling. Apparently, sex sells, and at Eddie Bauer it sells the hell out of a canoe, a fly fishing rod, and English green galoshes.

I for one am a little disappointed, and I must be honest and say I miss the old Eddie Bauer models with their Eleanor Roosevelt meets your mom’s friend Alice charm. Eddie Bauer is a hearty American company, a company based around big handed lumber jacks, with barrel chests, stocky forearms, steely blue eyes, firm handshakes, and lips aching to be kissed; not some doe eyed sex kitten who is too busy fixing her eyeliner to skin the dead deer carcass splayed at her feet. It’s yet another example of how the creative landscape panders to the desires of a few tremble handed, greasy fingered shut ins, instead of the thunderously masculine conquistadors who were once able to purchase leather top coats and red suspenders without the distraction of heaving, perfectly formed cleavage, luscious lips, delicate features, and long flowing blonde locks of lavender scented hair.

I doubt if Mr. Bauer would be pleased with the new ‘rub a dub’ stance being taken by his once burly and mustachioed brand. It pains me to say, but I fear another iconic American brand has yet again pandered to the ever present boner lobby.