Thursday, January 5, 2012

The Tom Petty Fan: A Sweeping Generalization.



The Tom Petty fan. Who are they? It's a tough nut to crack. A question for the ages. A riddle wrapped in an enigma, crapping in the porta-potty of a conundrum. I've spent two decades of my lifetime trying to decode the Tom Petty cryptography. He seemingly has a fan base. He sells records. He performs at huge concerts. The tickets for said concerts sell for astronomical prices. He's even been dubbed a Wilbury by Dylan, Orbison and Harrison (Jeff Lynne DOES NOT COUNT). But, why? How?

My sweeping generalizations:

Women - For some reason women like Tom Petty. I think it's because he looks like one of them, albeit after a steady diet of dexatrim and Virginia Slims. The dude knows his way around a blow dryer too. Girls dig that. I also think his slight frame offers the "I could fit him in my pocket, squeeee!!!!" attraction. After all, he's not handsome. He's got a wobbly eye and a picket fence grill. 

Summer Festival Concert Goers - These folks don't necessarily care about the music, as long as the festival is humid with lines that stretch for miles to use the overflowing feces ensconced biffy toilet. We Fest? REO/Boston/Air Supply at the casino parking lot? It doesn't matter. They're there for the shitty beer and ditch weed. Maybe they'll get a chance to see some sunburned pancake titty too. "Here, hold my Sparks, gotta hit the shitter." Yep.

Roadies - Guys that set up the instruments and gear for other bands seem to really get into Petty. I think it's because he looks right at home loading up a tour bus with beat-up gear from the Rascal Flats tour, with a heater dangling from a clenched maw. Other musicians that I would put into this category? John Cougar Mellencamp. He sucks too.

Rum and Coke drinkers - These are the kind of people that fill up the Big Gulp that was festering behind their seat in the 1992 Chevy Cavalier. 172 oz.’s of this corn syrup cocktail to get them through the day filled with poorly executed dentistry and child support anxiety. 

Corporate Dads  - Corporate Dads will do just about anything to seem like they've either "been there before" or are willing to "cut loose" at the drop of a Blackberry. Tom Petty speaks to them. He's aged and weathered. He writes songs with thinly veiled Marijuana references. He's runnin' down a dream, dammit. Exactly what Corporate Dads wish they were doing, instead of sitting at this dinner table, cornered by their shitty teenage kids and gold-digging second wife.


The mystery has yet to be solved...



6 comments:

Casey Brewer said...

He looks like a lizard mom.

Anonymous said...

I don't know how I fit into the Tom Petty generalization though I do know I love that song "she's so bad" Hope you're settling into the new city Casey. this is Alex wishing you well. Listen to that song when youre lonely in a new town and maybe you'll pay less attention to his hair. :)

Anonymous said...

How's San Fran you hustler? want to drink some beers over a campfire with you. catch up... Still might be in Oregon for the summer.

felixzog said...

been pickling my own giardeneras. to tempt you out of your work routine, (I'm sure you're busy as hell.) I'll bring some craft-made polishes to grill to go with the peppers.

Casey Brewer said...

SF is good. Super busy. I'm in Montreal right now shooting hockey players. It's an interesting life.

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