Friday, March 16, 2012

The Great Beyond.

My old dusty pit bull is 14.5 years old. He's got some arthritis in his back legs, and a gross skin condition where he loses patches of hair in scaly lumps. His breath smells like the anal cavity of a rotting beached whale. He's got a hint of the doggy dementia where he sometimes will just fall off curbs for no reason. 

Other than that he's still pretty spry. He still seems genuinely happy, even though he can barely see or hear anything anymore.

I brought the little sack of excrement to the vet last Saturday to discuss his health. Surprisingly he's in pretty good shape. His blood tested normal and he got some antibiotics for the face melting skin thing. His breath is still a scientific anomaly, however.

The prognosis was better than expected. Before visiting the vet, I had begun planning for the day when I would have to put my best friend down. The dog doc assured me he's got some time left and I should coddle him with treats and good times until it's all over. I bought him a Tommy Bahama shirt, and one of those those ridiculous sun visors so he can live out the rest of his days like other fat, retired Americans do. Nothing but beef steak and 22 year old nubile dog walkers from here on out, bro.

In an effort to preserve his vital essence after he drifts to the great pee tree in the sky, I've decided that the best plan of action is to taxidermy his ass like these smart people have done with their beloved pets. Check it. Pretty sweet.

* This is satire. Readers can be assured I'll be entering myself into a mental hospital the day I put my little buddy down.

1 comment:

First Lady of Mt.Holly said...


this is brilliant. you are a hilarious writer.