Here it is. The stone that tried to turn my pecker into a bloomin' onion.
I was sitting at my desk at work on Wednesday when I felt an excruciating pain in my gut. Like a rusty butter knife stabbing me over and over again. I hobbled home and drove to the UW Emergency room. I caught every single light along the way as I was screaming in agony. I contemplated pulling the car over and flagging down a passer by because I thought I was going to black out. I drove through one red light and careened into the ER drop off zone. As I swerved my truck I barely missed an ambulance, and nearly crashed it into the front door. I fell out of the driver side and hobbled in as a security guard helped me.
Then I sat and had to answer questions and fill out paper work for 15 minutes. I thought I was dying.
I've never felt pain like this in my entire lifetime. They finally rolled out the gurney and I collapsed onto it. The nurse took my blood pressure and it was through the roof. I was sweating bullets and shouting obscenities. My stomach felt like it was going to pop open and release some xenophobe beast from the bowels of hot dog hell.
I didn't actually piss the stone out until today. It was a lot smaller than I had imagined. Now I kinda feel like a pussy.
10 comments:
That rock has seen some dark dark places within your bowels and penis.
That was a dark time...two days ago.
i wonder if a kidney stone is man's form of giving birth? did you name your little bundle of joy? are you going to carry him on your baby-bjorn up the mountain?
I named it Keith Moonstone. He likes to party.
I feel your pain brother. I had them one time while living in Dallas. I was writhing around cursing on the floor of the emergency room for what seemed like an eternity. The pain was so unbelievable i decided to start pounding my head against the cinder block walls to make myself pass out. This is when they finally gave me three shots of morphine. i don't wish that on my worst enemy!
I don't know why, but reading about you being in so much pain is so much awesome. I love you.
did any of your caregivers happen to mention how one can avoid such a fate (aside from not eating shit-tons of processed livestock and assloads of Olympia)?
The doc said stress and lack of water. No mention of encased meats. It might surprise many of you that I actually eat pretty healthy. The street food is a semi-rare treat for a worthy and hungry beast.
BUMPERS!
I'm not sure what BUMPERS! means John, but I appreciate you're enthusiasm.
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