Monday, December 15, 2008

Out on my ass: Episode 1.

Out on my ass. Ain't got a pot to piss in. Waitin' in the unemployment line. Kicking dogs and drinking mouth wash. Wearing sweat pants until they start to stick. This is it folks, one week into being a certified bum and I'm already running out of ideas. Here are some of the things I've noticed since becoming a poor deadbeat:

1. Rachael Ray isn't a very good cook.

This is a bit surprising, considering every time I've seen her over the past few months it looks like she's smuggling another little Italian Chef in her stretch pants. I've watched her show twice now in the past few days and she has committed some mortal sins around the kitchen. Grating garlic? What the fuck? Using packaged and pre-sliced vegetables? Oh no you didn't! I bet she's a wildcat in the sack, but she can't cook herself out of a paper bag. Believe that!

2. Shoveling is an everyday job.

As a member of the workforce, I routinely "forgot" to shovel. If you turn a blind eye often enough, people will just start doing things for you. Now the mailman is on to my schemes. He knows I'm in the house in my sweat pants scraping the last of a pizza roll off of my shirt. He won't even deliver the mail.

3. Neighborhood crime is on a downturn.

Would you want to rob me if you saw 4 inches of butt crack exposed while I'm shoveling? I think not.

4. I envy people with jobs.

Those fucking go-getters. Doing stuff for a paycheck and letting everyone in the Skyway know about it. The worst are those jerks that show up at the Y for a lunch break workout. Yeah, as if we didn't know you were going back to your super sweet paying job you fucking prick.

5. Friends with jobs talk to you more than they used to.


6. Going to the grocery store to "see" people.

I live in the hood in North Minneapolis. It's not as if I can just go grab a coffee and socialize with the cute gal making espresso behind the counter. No, my options for socialization are A). Get my hair did. B). Wait for the bus. C). Get my nails did. D). Go to the grocery store. I usually just go to the grocery store and buy things that make me feel good, like Jack's pizza.

7. Telling girls that you no longer have a health plan.

That was my go-to come on line. Now I have nothing.

8. Knowing that you'll be giving gifts made of garbage this year.

The holiday season is tough when you're out on your ass. No money for gifts, and no holiday spirit to get excited about. Just booze and gifts made of assorted trash you have lying around your house. Reuse, recycle.

9. Hanging out at the coffee shop next to my old job.

This is a good one. I've been doing it for the last week. Not only do you get tons of sympathy, but you can make up stories about how you're in meetings all day doing some really cool stuff that you can't talk about because it's confidential and you might lose the 500$ an hour you're making for freelance. The reality of the situation is that I'm likely looking at porn. And drinking a skim latte.

10. Your own filth, and how you get used to it.

I smell like yogurt since I lost my job.


paula said...

re: healthplan...
You could tell girls that you're considering COBRA. Then follow up with some cheesy double-entendre regarding a snake that's so bad it's good, thereby charming the girls into letting you befriend them on facebook.

Mike Haeg said...

You will find an artfulness about being on the dole yet, young jedi.

Casey Brewer said...

Well played Paula. I'm going to take that advice.

Thami said...

Funny, I smell more like celery.

Mike Haeg said...

Here are some other comiserators.

Casey Brewer said...

Nice find Mike, from that blog:

"The first thing most people do when they get laid off is go out and drink way too much. I know I sure did. And just because you’re broke, doesn’t mean you cut out all of the appropriate luxuries – like porn and booze."

I can surely relate. I've also been purchasing lot's of really bad early 70's soft rock ballads.

cerdo said...

Even MORE comiserators:

Greg and Sarah Strong said...

How bad are we talking? I'm loving the Stevie Wonder, Captain and Tennille, Mamas and the Papas, and Peter Paul and Mary right now.

Erik D said...

I know I like talking to you more now, when you were employed you were so clean and well spoken, frankly a little scary. now you're down to my level...jacks pizza and jizz in my "sweat"pants.

Casey Brewer said...

I'm still me, only poorer.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

Just tell her you are a dollar menu-naire. I would use that! Hell what can she say, given the recession, she's probably unemployed too...

Anonymous said...

11. Arranging spec photo shoots where one poses their cat in human situations. Casey, I don't know you, but you look like a cool cat.

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