Thursday, February 19, 2009

Wynonna Judd. President and founder of Fat & Depressed Worldwide®.

I was flipping through the channels after a couple of cold ones last night and I stumbled across what looked like a giant creamsicle with a face. It was Wynonna Judd and she was mumbling through some late night talk show, seemingly inebriated. I'm well aware that country music stars live hard knock lives, but that is no excuse to dress up and look like an orange version of Grimace.

She covered all the bases too: she's having relationship troubles, but she thinks she done landed a good man. Her Daddy diddled her fiddle when she was a young whipper snapper, but he still kisses her with the same mouth. Everyone in her family is a pill-popping drunk, and Mommy dressed her in nothin' but rags.

The good news for Wynonna is that she obviously struck a deal with a spray tan conglomerate. Humans don't come in that hue of tangerine mostly. Any bar brawlin' cowboy, drunk enough to dangle his dip stick a country mile from that coot, better be prepared a find a fine shade of marmalade where his weasel used to be. Boing!

The mystery of the world's most obnoxious spray tan was clearly explained when she butchered a version of Bill Withers' Ain't No Sunshine. Surprise!

p.s. I misspelled this crazy lady's name. For that I apologize.


Casey Brewer said...

In other crazy orange lady news, Reba McEntire's tune "Fancy" is about a Mother who forces her daughter into prostitution. A hard knock life indeed.

Check it here:

Here's your one chance Fancy don't let me down!

frank adam said...

This is a real Ode to Billy Joe. Great job on this bile filled rant. I loves me a good bile filled rant!

Casey Brewer said...

Thanks Frank, I only do one kind of rant. Next up, the rant about the Led Zeppelin cover band I saw last night. Miserable.

tim said...

I was just watching a few minutes of the Judds on Oprah's new channel. Good lord this Wynonna Judd said that her going off on tour was "Embarking on history". This woman has no clue how petty and insignificant she is in the world. Wynonna Judd is fat, ugly and stupid. maybe the judds and Larry the Cable Guy can all go out to eat sometime. Oh my, that would be world history! Ridiculous.