Sunday, February 22, 2009

The Beast Mother Dating Chronicles: #1

This is a new feature on Superbeast called the The Beast Mother Dating Chronicles. My friend Samira promises to provide many horror stories experienced from online dating. This is her first. Enjoy.


I think I might be a masochist.

There are worse things to be, like a Republican, a Fundamentalist, or a wood tick. No one likes a parasite.

Part of my masochism includes signing up with an online dating site. Knowing what I know, why would I want to do it all again?

I just got this email, this is not a joke.

"Dear Samira,

*I sent this e-mail a couple of weeks ago but it looks like it didn't go through because I put a link to a YouTube video in it. So, I'm re-sending it now:

Last night, I was out in the back yard grilling a good steak with my old "swinger" charcoal grill. I had been working in the yard/planting flowers much of the day and took a little time to sit back against the fence in a metal shell chair.

My cat Simpson was lying in the yard and I was listening to some music from the wireless speaker I had out on the back deck. I had old cassette tape of various 70's songs playing. I had titled the tape "Boogie Check." This, after an old AM radio call in bit by the long defunct Boogie-U100. Boy, the DJ's sure used to talk fast back then.

The Eric Carmen song, "All By Myself" came on and I thought of Tracie. She was a little girl I knew in grade school. Early on, I somehow came to the conclusion that I was in love with Tracie (notice the fancy spelling) but never really dreamed I had a chance with her.

When I was in the sixth grade, I was having supper with the family one night and there was a phone call for me. I was just a kid and never really talked on the phone much that I can remember. It was Tracie's friend Dori and she asked me, "Do you like Tracie?" My family was all looking at me and this question scared the hell out of me. I said, "No" and hung up the phone.

That year, I was a school patrol captain and one day, Tracie's older sister Tammy pointed at me and told her friend that I was Tracie's boyfriend. Hmmm . . . I wonder what that would have involved? After all, girl germs were going around back then and the boys had to draw X's on their hands with a ball point to protect themselves.

I guess Tracie did "like" me and I always felt bad about being scared and lying about my feelings. My near obsession over Tracie carried across the years to the exclusion of all other girls. By the time I was a sophomore in high school, I was still in "love" with Tracie.

It was at this point that I decided I would call Tracie. Do you know how hard it is for a painfully shy boy to call a girl on the phone? I was scared to death and nervous as hell but I called her up and asked her if she wanted to come over to my house to listen to records. She said she was "busy." What, she couldn't wait four years for my call?

I was bit destroyed after that and I decided to walk to Target to look at records. It was a bit of a walk and I went across the muddy gorge where they were just building highway 3 which later became 52.

It was 1975 and I bought what was then the new release by Eric Carmen. I remember going back down into my room, playing "All By Myself" and pining over Tracie.

Yep, I sure did like Tracie.

By the way, it's a good thing that you don't really want to meet anyone. I don't want to meet anyone either.

Hope you had a great Fourth of July."


There are many parts of this letter that could scare a person, like the fact that he is telling me a story about a CHILD he was in love with and still thinks about? Red Flag. How about the part where he says he is Painfully Shy? For Christ's sake, so am I, but I learned how to be fucking WITTY. Get over it. I also hate that he puts random things in quotation marks. Quotation marks do not make things ironic. Irony makes things ironic.

How long ago did Target stop carrying records?

I still have my friends call my date's friends to ask if I am their girlfriend–there I go with that masochist streak again. I also make said friends find out details about their lives, like Has The Baby Been Born Yet or Are They Having Good Sex Because We Didn't.

When? When does it end? I don't think I need to mention that this one didn't get a reply, let alone any face time.

Over: Samira

p.s. I am dying to know what the You Tube video was. Oh, the possibility!


Casey Brewer said...

This guy is cleaning a rifle in a basement somewhere as I type this.

First Lady of Mt.Holly said...

samira, don't know you at all, but for some reason, reading this made reminded me of this guy that once tried to pick me up...instead of giving me his phone number, he gave me his business card and the next day, emailed me his resume! WTF? god men are dorks.

frank adam said...

I love how all the guys are pretending like they have never sent a self reflective, too much information email in the hopes of sensitively caressing some affection from a cold email relationship. News flash ass-holes, we have all been this idiot at one point in our lives- grilling a steak, cat in hand, untouched boner at the ready, twelve pack of Pabst in the cooler, high school year book taken out of storage, shitty 70s music blaring out of the remote speaker, and an awe-shucks hope that the cold, cynical girl from will want to caress our erection with kindness and sensuality. This clown is the all American everyman trying to live in a world that is far too fast and multicultural for his steak-filled world. So don't act like you don't know this guy...go look in the mirror.

Casey Brewer said...

Hahaha. Valid point Frank.

I'm going to go listen to some Seals & Crofts.

Samira said...

Well said Frank.

Hey Casey--How's that Seals and Croft working out for you?