Ad Fury: Outback Steakhouse.

On occasion, I see an ad that fills me with so much fury that I want to quit my job and go live in a hollowed out old-growth tree somewhere far off the grid. This is a post about one of those campaigns.

My personal hair-trigger to homicidal rage is none other than an Outback Steakhouse commercial. I've literally sprinted through thousands of square feet of drywall, throwing haymakers and jabs at anything in arms reach upon hearing their radio jingle. I've slammed on the brakes of my car, marched out into moving traffic, and pulled fistfuls of hair out of my head. I've crumpled to the floor in tears. I've cut myself. I've cut others.

On a recent trip to Orlando i.e. the mouse-eared bowels of Hell, I happened across countless Outback Steakhouse restaurants. Chains and fast-food joints aren't my bag, and I've refused to eat at them for the better part of 13 years. I wasn't about to break that streak, but I did ponder the question of who eats at Outback? More importantly, how is their advertising effective?

The Outback Steakhouse campaign consists of
A. A corny Aussie VO.
B. Scripts that rely on "down under" and "g'day" as much as humanly possible.
C. Close ups of meat and sauce, and sauce pouring on meat.
D. A Range Rover tooling around in the bush.
E. The most obnoxious theme song since the Freecreditreport.com dorks.

This is a copy line taken from a recent TV spot for Outback. It literally makes my balls turn to dust. About a thousand miles from the everyday, there's a place that's a bit more adventurous...

So, it isn’t the creative that makes Outback Steakhouse a staple in suburban office parks. The food must be really good right? Wrong.

Check out these "adventurous" menu items:

Bloomin’ Onion®
A true Outback original. Our special onion is hand-carved by a dedicated bloomologist, cooked until golden and ready to dip into our spicy signature bloom sauce.



A bloomologist? Who the fuck wrote this? The Bloomin' Onion is a deep fried onion cut up to resemble a hemorhoidal asshole, and eating one will provide a similar effect. I don't need to describe the foul origins of the aforementioned bloom sauce, but let's just say Crocodile Dundee wouldn't feed it to his brood of wallabies.

Aussie Cheese Fries
Aussie Fries topped with melted Monterey Jack, Cheddar, bits of fresh chopped bacon and served with a spicy ranch dressing.



Oh Christ. French fries piled with cheese, bacon and ranch dressing. A plate of this starchy dung heap runs at about 2,140 calories. So basically about a week's caloric intake for an aboriginal bushman. The only thing "Aussie" about this appetizer is that it's a huge land mass. It just so happens to reside deep within your irritated bowels. This is the number one on Time Magazine's Top 10 Worst Fast-Food Meals. What a fucking honor.

Savory Pepper Mill NY Steak
Thick slices of New York Strip steak (cooked to order) encrusted with cracked black pepper and topped with a savory brandy cream sauce. Served atop golden potato wedges.

Potatoes, butter and meat. This dinner is the sole reason airplanes need bigger seats and Febreze air freshener exists. Eating this increases the average time in the restroom from 7 minutes to 48. Civilizations are settling on the piles of shit left behind after stuffing this in your pie-hole.