GREY CHOMPS

Last night I attended a guided meditation. One technique was geared toward breaking patterns: Every time your feel your body begin to move or breathe in a particular pattern--you're supposed to change it. Just imagine a roomful of bolster-straddling psychos with erratic breath, enduring seizures to syncopated drums. Hippy Style. Anyway, I was going to post a well constructed, edited, thoughtful story, but then I remembered, “Break Your Patterns, Jane!” and ended up with this bullshit. Enjoy:

 GREY CHOMPS

by Janie Mo

A good friend of mine has hooked me up with 2 ‘good friends of hers on separate occasions. One turned out to be a dick and the other was masquerading as a the ‘nicest guy in town!’ Both totally flaked. Not even a friend of a friend. is nothing sacred?

The first dude:
Had huge fake grey teeth. We’ll call him Grey Chomps.
Grey Chomps was another self absorbed actor. Except he was a you-tube comedian and did some weird performance one man thing in a short terry cloth robe. Anyway, he was tall and dorky. And ugly. He showed up on some vintage Honda motorcycle with a caprese salad. Which I was blown away by. He had a mustache. And he interpretive danced in my kitchen. Like for real interpretive danced. calibrated kick and a pointed toe.As you know, I have no luck with dudes. So I figured an ugly dude would not be a dick. But he was a hipster and an actor. Oh and has secret old money from the south. I hate that shit. Just admit it. Yeah, we are slave drivin fucks and have money in oil. I’m rich. Don’t fucking rent a nasty ass apt in echo park and shop at out of the closet but then you have a giant mac and pimp ass advanced technological video cameras that you tape mannequins with. booking a slap bracelet commercial in 1982 doesn’t pay your rent for life. And don’t be like oh I suck dick on the corner to pay my rent—because not with those chomps you don’t!

I always ignore shit. But you gotta listen to your heart. There’s nothing else you can do. When a guy doesn’t ask you One goddamn thing about yourself, don’t chalk it up to nerves or other bullshit. That’s how it is. Oprah said when someone shows you their true colors-believe them. So when you’re like dude check out my unique fingernail paint job or my hacky sack collection and they don’t give a damn, it’s time to step. Also doing stuff on dates is totally cool. But GOLF? There’s only one fucking bitch I know who wants to golf –my dad. So anyway, riding a motorcycle is fun and I totally want to go get one. Make me dinner. Stopped by this questionable super marker in echo park. With gross mushrooms. And pork rinds. And piñatas. Also hot carl, the neighborhood bum is shopping at the same store? Naw dude. Sauteing garlic and adding it to a jar of prego sauce is not cooking.

Omg then he performed! And made me watch all of his videos. Oh yeah and I realized he’s an alky. We don’t need to get into the sex cause it was awesome. Which is why this is such a gut wrenching tragedy. BORINGist hipster friends who are staring at each others fedoras and mustaches. And NEON. GREY CHOMPS! Alien head. Like drawing class.

Then I got food poisoning and regurgitating his commercials. At dinner. His friend is like so what do you want to do with your life. SHUTUP!!!!!!!!!!!! Stop fucking asking me that everyone. Pilates? What is pilates? Fucking bullshit for psychos and preppy bitches from your high school who are mommies. That’s what.

Always going to a themed party. Cool. He was lawn bowling drunk in bev hills and invited me to his friends rapper party downtown. NYU acting people are cliquey and pretentious and douchey and they’re always listening to vampire weekend and playing lawn bowling.I was like great your dumb hipster friends rapper party but I went anyway. Of course I had to drive so he could be trashed.get to skid row the streets lined with pup tents. And then we get to this 4 story secret party. It’s a fkcing FLAPPER party. Not a rapper party. They’re taking jellow shots and sepia toned pictures. Standing around throwing fake money in the air with bums sleepin right across the street. Nice display of your grandiose white pride. Great job losers. I rolled his drunk finger up in the window and he whined for waaaaay too long. Mouth breather. Garlic breath all night. I thought I was going to throw up. Period sex. Literally flew into his short pants and slapped his suspenders.I’m sorry for being too social, he said. It’s okay grey chomps.