Thursday, February 4, 2010

Up the Slut Factor: Go Team America



Within the past few weeks I have noticed a certain trend among the young ladies: clothes cutting off circulation, skirts that my gynecologist would appreciate, an ocean of glistening sweater puppies… you know, that kind of shit. I was at the gym the other day and noticed a girl running on the treadmill with her little pink shorts rolled up just so her ass could flap happily for fellow gym-goers. Not even two minutes later, another girl walked past in a leopard print push-up bra, skin-tight, low-cut spandex mini top, full clown make-up and booty shorts. These girls are a walking advertisement for Planned Parenthood and “Jersey Shore” all at the same time. They’re just begging to get a healthy dose of baby batter all over their Juicy Couture work out gear. The point is it made me realize how out of touch with the civilian “slut factor” I really am.

Spending six years in the Army gave me a bit of a skewed perception of the female role. See, in the military there are only two types of girls. You’re either a slut or a lesbian. Since I am part of the rare 1% that didn’t get knocked up or contract an STD, I was thrown into the “lesbian” drawer. What’s weird is that for the most part, that really is the correct summation of military women. If you were a slut in the Army, you were a super whore. You fucked your coworkers like the secretions from your vaginal walls were going to cure cancer and diabetes. Those who didn’t, it mainly had to do with their affinity for snacking on some vag.

Another thing about the Army was that it was an incestuous freak show. Sure, you’re constantly working with the people in your unit, but I have never worked at a place where most chick’s ex-husband, two ex-boyfriends, baby daddy and 7 one-night stands were all within 20 feet of you. Always. This is a world where I knew girls who literally slept with every available (and sometimes unavailable) male within their vagina’s reach.

I was a little late to the game for most girls. I didn’t get the ol’ cherry popped until I was 21 (Thanks to my mom and the STD slideshow at age 14. Crafty bitch), so I was fairly naïve to the no pants dance. Seeing as I joined the military soon after graduating high school, I was shocked at the level of sexy times happening right in front of me. Since there weren’t many females in the Army, it seemed to be a competition between most, because, let’s face it, most looked like a sweaty nut sack with an updo. Most came from public schools in the south, so they were the products of the shitty-ass-fucking Bush Administration Abstinence Only sex education programs. Here’s why telling young hormonal twats condoms are the devil, don’t masturbate and pray instead: A couple years ago, a friend of mine in my unit sent me text that read, “If you have unprotected sex with two different people in the same day, do you have to take two Plan B pills?” Did you fuck yourself stupid? Sigh. I reminded her no matter how much sperm infiltrates her lady canal, there is still only one egg getting juiced, so one pill would suffice. Thank you, Mister President.

Most girls in the Army brought being a whore to epic proportions, the stuff of legends. I thought the Army had cornered the market on whore-dom. No civilian population could ever match the amount of skank brewing inside the guarded bases around the world. Until now. Apparently the rest of the world has caught up with the fuckfest the Army has been hosting for years. Now that their sweaty afterhours activities have gone mainstream, the rest of the country will fill up their skank bank in a way I know I never can. Even if I tried, I know I will never be THAT much of a whore. And I think my mom can take comfort in that.

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